


If to love you I must lose you

by super_heroine_addict



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fanfic of another fanfic, Fluff, I think my perpetual singleness is getting to me, So much Angst and Fluff, Way too detailed, and way too mushy, forbidden relationship au, literal trash I hate myself, princess/guard au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-10
Updated: 2019-06-11
Packaged: 2019-07-28 21:24:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16250078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/super_heroine_addict/pseuds/super_heroine_addict
Summary: In public Shuri and Bucky maintain the illusion of Princess and loyal guard; but in private they steal precious moments to indulge a forbidden love. But when their secret gets out, one will have to make the ultimate sacrifice.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> THIS IS A FANFIC OF 'The end when you said goodbye' by Leodicaprih0e. Please go read her original story it's absolutley amazing and filled me with so many feels I had to write this, written and published with her permission.
> 
> Also this work is utter TRASH and I HATE MYSELF and I swear to go I've never written anything this mushy in my entire life this ship has DONE THINGS TO ME!

Shuri worked as she walked, staring down at specs on her tablet, making notes and adjustments. The people of the palace went largely unnoticed as she passed them by. The only one of them paying attention to her, her personal guard, followed a few feet behind her, steady footfalls the only indication of his presence. She turned without looking where she was going, down the hall, until she reached her chambers door. The locks were programmed to recognize her biosignature; she opened them with a wave. She entered the room and heard the doors slide shut behind; not a second later she felt strong hands grabbing her waist, spinning her around. Her tablet fell discarded as she was pushed against a pillar, lips covering her own. 

“Bucky!” she laughed when she broke away from the kiss. He smiled brightly at her, eyes shining. 

“Yes, my love?” he asked in Wakandan, then returned to kissing her, still grinning. She reciprocated by sinking into the kiss, snaking her arms around his neck. Before she knew he’d lifted her up, wrapping her legs around him. After a second he pushed off from the pillar and carried her to her bed.

When he moved from her lips to press kisses into the crook of her neck, Shuri remembered her intended response.

“Bucky,” she said again, murmuring into his ear. “Why the rush, White Wolf?”

“I think I’ve restrained myself rather well, considering you up and left me for a whole week.” His exaggerated complaints were muffled.

“We still have all night.”

Bucky’s deep laugh vibrated against her throat. He finally pulled away from her, rolling over so he laid on his side next to her. “I think you’ve forgotten about something.” Shuri’s eyes narrowed in confusion. “Think hard, Your Highness.”

Suddenly it dawned on Shuri and her head fell back in disbelief. “The party is tonight.” she groaned. “How about we skip it?” she lifted her head and smiled sweetly at Bucky. 

“And tell everyone what? Wakanda’s precious princess in unable to appear because she’s being ravished by her trusted personal guard. I don’t think that’ll go over well with your brother.”

“Not when you phrase it like that it won’t.” Shuri rolled her eyes. “Still, it’d be a much better night spent with you. Or even with you there as my date for once instead of my guard.” She reached out and absently twirled a strand of his hair. His hand came up and caught hers.

“Say the word.” he said. “And I’ll go tell your brother about us this minute.” he pressed her knuckles against his mouth in quick kiss. Shuri couldn’t help but smile brightly, and leaned over to kiss him again. 

“No.” she said, pulling away and sighing in disappointment. “T’Challa still isn’t ready to flout tradition that much. Someday soon, once I know he and the elders won’t react badly, I’ll tell them. Then you and I won’t have to content ourselves to stolen kisses and sneaking around.”

Bucky’s eyebrow raised, and he smiled that wonderful cocky smile of his. She had been so caught off guard the first time she saw it. After clearing HYDRA’s programming from his head, it’d been another journey entirely to see him come back to the man he’d once been, before HYDRA. Seeing him smile brightly, laugh easily- that had been the real change she’d brought about in him. Not that she realized just how much of it was thanks to her.

“I don’t know, princess. I rather like pulling you into dark corners for those ‘stolen kisses’ your only content with.”

Shuri blushed and bit her lip. “You know what I mean.”

“Do I? Seems to me if you need more to be happy-” he teased until she playfully shoved him.

“Maybe if I’m not enough for you-” Shuri rolled on top of him, straddling his waist and kissing him to shut him up. When she stopped the laughter and teasing was evident in his eyes. She tried to smother her own grin and failed terribly.

“You know what I meant.” she insisted softly. He just smiled, before pushing himself into a sitting position. His hands gently tugged, untucking her shirt from her skirt, metal and skin brushing hers.

“What about the party?” she asked.

“We’ve got time.” he told her. 

“Will you stay tonight?” she asked. Despite his promise of time, she was still missing him. Her brother had given Sergeant Barnes some time off and sent the Dora Milaje with her on her trip to America. It had made a week feel like forever. 

“Your brother will want to see you afterwards. He always dismisses us after the guests leave. He’ll notice if I’m hanging around.” Shuri pouted. “Will you come see me tonight?” he suggested instead, leaning in close. He pushed a stray braid out of her face.

Now that was a tempting offer. Bucky’s humble farm house wasn’t far, but secluded enough to give him some privacy. No need to be wary of eavesdroppers, prying eyes, or timed guard passes.

“The party will last all night.” She reminded him. “It’d be late by the time I could sneak out and drive over.”

“Which is why no one would be surprised when you choose to sleep in the next day.” he replied.

“You’re normally more cautious than that.” Shuri said, but she’d already agreed in her head. It had been a lonely week without him. They both needed this.

“Come over tonight.” he insisted, lips brushing hers.

“You know I will.”  
\----  
Bucky was aware of Shuri’s body sprawled across his own before he even woke up the next morning. As he drifted in those last moments of sleep, his arm wound tighter around her waist. 

“Mmm” the movement beneath her made Shuri moan. Bucky woke to find her lying half on him and half pressed against him, using his chest for a pillow.

“Time to wake up Princess.” he said. 

“Five more minutes.” she mumbled into him. 

He chuckled. “Oh no you don’t. C’mon, up and at ‘em.” He gave her a gentle shake.

Shuri groaned and rolled over, out of his arms, firmly buried under the blankets. Bucky laughed again and got up to begin making breakfast.

The scent of eggs and bacon eventually stirred Shuri to rise. Wrapped in a sheet, she joined him and contributed by munching on the bacon. 

An hour later they were both fed and acknowledged the need for Shuri to return to the palace. Bucky walked her out to her car and opened the door like a gentleman. Rather than get in, she turned around for one last goodbye.

“What’ll you do if someone catches you?” he asked.

“I’ll tell them I woke up early this morning and was so excited about an update for your arm that I came over so I could get it to you.” Shuri said with a smirk.

Bucky actually laughed and shook his head. “Is there anything you don’t think of?” he asked, impressed as always. “My brilliant princess.” And he kissed her again, pressing her against the car. 

They were both smiling when they broke away. 

“I’ll see you soon, White Wolf.” she promised as she got into her car. 

“See you soon, Princess.”  
\-----  
Bucky was sparring with Teela in the training yard before Ayo came to get him. 

The younger Dora Milaje was from the same village where he recovered, and was among the first to accept the White Wolf into the palace. Her younger brother had told her that White Wolf followed Shuri almost adoringly when she came to help him recover. Teela was convinced Bucky’s gratitude would carry into loyalty, and recommended him when T’Challa decided Shuri needed a personal guard, since the Dora Milaje had all been around long enough for Shuri to learn how to evade them or trick them into some scheme or other. 

Bucky knew that she and the others thought his loyalty was compelled by gratitude alone and saw no need to correct them. 

For the time being Shuri was safe in her lab. Bucky always took the hours she spent there to train with the Dora and any other guards, knowing she was safe where she was.

Teela and he were going best three out of five and he’d just evened the score, He felt good, and was confidently about to start the next match when Teela’s eyes flicked over, confused. Bucky turned to see Ayo had entered, but rather than join any of the training sessions, she stood there waiting for them.

“King T’Challa requires your presence, White Wolf.”

“Everything good, Ayo?” Bucky asked. Rather than answer, she gave him a severe look, turned, and marched back inside. Bucky and Teela shared a confused glance. Ayo wasn’t exactly the warm and friendly type, but it’d been a long time since she’d been openly hostile to Bucky. Shrugging, he followed after her. 

Their walk to the throne room was long, and Ayo’s silence wasn’t quite suspicious, but it put Bucky on edge. 

“Why do I get the feeling I’m about to walk onto a minefield with no map?” he asked as they approached the doors.

“Stay here.” Was her response. She entered the room with nothing but a nod to the Kingsguard who flanked the door. 

“What the hell was that?” he asked the closed door, not expecting an answer. To his surprise, one of the guards, K’Tana, answered. 

“The king knows.” Bucky confused glare turned on him. 

“What do you mean he knows? Knows what?”

“He knows about your affair with Princess Shuri.”

A moment of dead silence.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Bucky growled, mind racing. They’d been careful. They covered their tracks and took every precaution. How the hell could T’Challa know? Unless Shuri had told him, but she’d never do it without telling him first?

Before the guard could respond or Bucky could analyze the situation much further, the door was opened and he was brought into the throne room. He looked around for Shuri and was temporarily relieved to find her absent, but quickly noticed T’Challa and all five leaders of the tribes. His muscles, both organic and metal, automatically tensed. Bucky had spent too much time in a fight to not know when one was coming. Still, he managed a formal bow of his head to the assembly.

“Sergeant Barnes, do you know why you have been called before us?” T’Challa asked. 

“I can honestly say, Your Majesty, I have no idea.” Bucky replied, trying a little too hard to keep his voice even.

T’Challa sat back, showing no emotion. “White Wolf’” he switched to Wakandan an addressed him again, “You are here today because you have abused my hospitality and your position in my palace. We accepted you into Wakanda. We used our own resources to fix your mind, we gave you a home and a place within our society; and in return you thoughtlessly took what was not meant to be yours.” He spoke in his composed, steady manner, but Bucky could hear something taut in his voice. He tensed instinctively, a dozen explanations coming to mind, but resisted blurting one out and accidentally disclosing anything.

His voice was significantly more guarded when he answered the accusation. “I never meant any disrespect. And I haven’t taken anything that wasn’t given to me. So I must admit to not knowing what you're talking about” 

T’Challa sighed, and waved a hand over the controls on his throne. A holographic image popped up in the center of the room. He immediately recognized the scene from earlier that morning.

Someone had caught on camera Bucky and Shuri’s goodbye. Their secret was on full display for him and everyone else in the room to see. But judging by their faces, it wasn’t the first time they’d seen it.

Bucky stiffened. “I can explain.”

“I have no need for your explanations. Unless you would like to explain how you seduced my sister, carried on a secret affair with her, and have now disgraced her reputation in the eyes of her country!” T’Challa’s fist slammed on the chair arm. 

“What are you talking about?”

“This picture has been circulating Wakandan media all morning. Soon everyone will know Princess Shuri has entered an affair with an outsider.” One of the elders clarified. 

“Stop calling it an affair, I love her!” Bucky snapped, yelling at the elder. The five of them exchanged looks of surprise, only T’Challa immune to the outburst. Without taking his eyes off Bucky he dismissed the council and they filed out. The two men continued to stare at each other in steely silence, until the door opened again and they both turned at the new arrival’s voice.

“Brother-.”

Shuri was surprised to see Bucky in the throne room with her brother, especially since he looked as if he’d just received the worst news of his life. Okoye had arrived in her lab to tell her T’Challa needed to see her, she’d assumed it was about her work, but now it seemed like something more serious.

She smiled at Bucky, who despite his apparent state of distress, appeared to lose some of the tension in his stance. His eyes softened at seeing her, but he offered no smile in return.

T’Challa was giving her a hard look as well. He didn’t say anything, just tapped the controls on the throne, and a holographic rendering of her and Bucky’s goodbye from that morning. Shuri couldn’t hold back a gasp. Her eyes flashed to Bucky but from his blank face she could only assume he’d seen it already.  
“I can explain-” she started.

“That’s funny, your lover said the same thing. But no Shuri, I think I will be the one to explain to you. You and Sergeant Barnes acted recklessly, and what’s more now your actions have been caught for all of Wakanda to see. You are the Princess. You can’t just sneak around with whoever you choose, not without repercussions, and not without telling me.”

“I was going to tell you, brother, but-”

“But what?”

“But I was afraid you would act like this!” Shuri exclaimed, annoyed. This wasn’t ideal no, but at least now the truth was out there. “I am not a child, and I don’t care what the you or council or the rest of the world think. Who I am with is my decision, not their's.”

T’Challa was silent for a moment, before letting out a low chuckle. “Perhaps Shuri, perhaps. You may not care- that is your luxury. As for me, I have no such luxury. As King of Wakanda it is my duty to protect the reputation of the royal family, you included. As is such, I cannot allow this relationship to continue.”

“You can’t do that.” Shuri started to protest further.

“Silence. Your actions have given me no choice. Had you come to me with this yourself, I might have been willing to tolerate it in the hopes you’d one day outgrow, but it is clear that will not happen with you both here. So to save your reputation from any further scandal, the elders and I have come to a conclusion. Sergeant Barnes will denounce his Wakandan citizenship and immediately return to America, never to return to Wakanda.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> T'Challa passes judgment

Please no. Shuri thought the words, prepared to say them outloud, pleading to her brother, but before she could they come from behind her.

“Please no.” Bucky‘s voice rasped with the words. Shuri turned just in time to see him walk past her, horror evident on his face at the thought of banishment from Wakanda. He fell to his knees before the throne, and on his face was the look of a beaten man. A terrified man. It broke Shuri’s heart to see him wear an expression she’d last seen when still enduring HYDRA’s brainwashing. 

“Sergeant Barnes, you are in no position to ask favours.” T’Challa began to say, but Bucky, in a rare moment of forgetting to respect the king, interrupted.

“I beg you, your Majesty, don’t me send me away. Punish me if you want. Take back the arm, take everything you’ve given me, but don’t send me away. I can’t-” Bucky paused to keep his voice from breaking. “I can’t be away from her. I love her.”

Shuri’s heart leaped. She’d heard the words from him before of course, many times. But to have him declare it publicly, to her brother no less. Automatically, she started to step towards Bucky, reaching out to him, but a look from T’Challa stopped her. Bucky, whose head was bowed in submission, saw none of this. 

“Be that as it may, the elders have made their decision. Your loving her does not erase the shame this will bring Shuri in the public’s eyes. In fact, I’d say your love has done more harm than good.”

“You don’t understand. I have to be near Shuri. I have to be able to see her, and watch over her. It’s the only way I can protect her.” Bucky said.

And I him. Shuri thought. It was a secret belief, one she hid from even Bucky. Despite knowing, with absolute certainty, that HYDRA’s programming was gone and his mind was clean; deep in her heart Shuri feared one day someone else may try and hurt him the same way, and in that case she would be the only one capable of saving him. 

“She is safe within Wakanda’s borders.” T’Challa replied curtly. He seemed to be offended on the Dora Milaje’s behalf. 

“I know that. Dammit, T’Challa I know that! But I also know that if I leave I will spend every minute of every goddamn day wondering if she’s okay; if she’s safe and happy.” Bucky slipped accidentally into his more casual way of arguing, forgetting momentarily he was challenging the will of a king. 

“I cannot allow you to remain with her.” T’Challa said, firmly.” Shuri was about to speak up but yet again, Bucky continued.  
“Then assign me somewhere else. Make me part of border security, or a Kingsguard, hell anything. I’ll take anything if it’ll mean I can still see Shuri, even from afar.”

T’Challa actually considered if for a moment, and hope bloomed in Shuri’s chest.

“No attempts to separate you two will matter- so long as you are in Wakanda, who knows how you might find ways to sneak off together.” Was his answer.

Bucky took a moment to take this in. He turned to look at Shuri. His eyes were so ferociously devoted and broken at the same time it made Shuri hold her breath. I love you. He said it without actually saying it. I love you, my princess, my moon, my everything. 

“Your Majesty,” he was still looking at Shuri when he addressed T’Challa. “If you allow me to remain in Wakanda, to keep my citizenship and my position as a protector of both the country and royal family, but demand in return I stay away from your sister,” he returned his gaze to T’Challa, wanting to keep Shuri from seeing the agony on his face, “then I swear to you, I will never touch Princess Shuri again. I won’t speak to her, or even come within arms length of her. I will sacrifice being with her, if it means protecting her.”

“No!” 

The word was out of Shuri’s mouth before she even considered saying it. She couldn’t believe this. Well, actually she could because of course, of course Bucky would do something so unreasonably selfless and ridiculous as give up being with her for the chance to protect her, but she didn’t need protecting she needed him. “Brother please.” She came towards T’Challa. As she passed Bucky the familiar need to be near him was stronger than ever, but she ignored it, knowing she’d get no help. “The Elders notions on who I should be with are antiquated and ridiculous. Why should they or you get to decide who I can be with? I am the only one who can decide who I love and I love him.”

“The Elders create unity between the tribes- and the unity of the tribes keeps Wakanda from descending into chaos.” T’Challa replied, shaking his head. “I’m sorry Shuri. I truly hoped you’d outgrow this notion of romance. But it’s too late now and the action must be taken to prevent further scandal.”

“But-”

“However” the king continued. “Sergeant Barnes makes an interesting offer. I may not trust his heart, but I trust his word. So, if you swear to keep your distance,” he addressed Bucky, “and leave this relationship in the past; I will allow you to remain in Wakanda.”

Shuri started to shake her head, but Bucky was already rising to his feet. “You have my word.” he swore. Shuri turned to gape at him, betrayal written all over her face. His sad blue eyes found hers, but he kept the composure of a soldier, not saying anything aloud or in the unspoken words between them.

T’Challa rose. “Very well then. You will return home now. First thing tomorrow, I will have your new assignment-”

“Just give us a moment.” Shuri turned an interrupted her brother, braids flying and an angry determination in her voice. T’Challa blinked at her.

“I’m sorry?” he asked.

“You are about to separate me forever from the love of my life. Not by walls or distance but by protocol and words that have already disappeared in the air. So at least grant me the courtesy, my King, of a few minutes alone to say goodbye.” Shuri’s words were unshakeable. T’Challa’s eyebrows rose, awed by his little sister’s ferocity. He thought to refuse, as a good king would, but part of him, the part that was her brother first and king second, couldn’t deny her this request.

“Very well.” he said quietly, and simply turned to and walked out the room. 

Shuri and Bucky remained where they were, standing still until the door fell shut behind him. But once it did, Shuri spun and rushed to Bucky, giving him barely enough time to open his arms to embrace her. They both immediately sunk into the embrace. His hands wrapped around her petite frame, bunching her dress in his fists to hold her as close as possible. Her face pressed into his shoulder and his cheek brushed her hair. He tried to save the feeling of how she felt in his arms into his memory forever, to ingrain it in him like new programming. 

“Why would you do that?” she half asks, half exclaims, pushing away just enough so her hands can come up to grasp either side of his face. When he just looked at her, she pressed quick, desperate kisses against his skin. First his shoulder, and his grasp tightened on the small of her back, then his neck, and his hands started to slide up her back, then his cheeks, and he’s got one hand at the back of her neck and one hand pressed so hard between her shoulders nothing could move Shuri away from him, and when she rises on her tiptoes to press a kiss beneath his eyes and tastes salt, she stops. She moves to wipe away the tears from her face but immediately his hand is there, keeping her’s steady, and that’s when she realizes she’s not the one crying, she’s too angry for that. She’s angry at her brother and the elders and the whole damn country. It isn’t her crying, but Bucky. Bucky’s eyes glistened with tears he was trying not to shed because he understood. He’d never felt worthy of the beautiful princess. He’d done too many terrible things in his lifetime. HYDRA or no, he’d committed the acts. Why should anyone else see him as deserving of her when he couldn’t himself?

Bucky brought her hand back to his face, pressing it there, nestling into the sensation of her touch. “I had to.” he explained, eyes closed. “I couldn’t let them take me away from you...it was the only way.”

“It was not!” Shuri insisted. “We could have left. We could have gone together, back to America or to the Avengers. We could have had a relationship- out in the open for everyone to see.” But Bucky was shaking his head. He opened his eyes.

“I couldn’t be the one to take you from Wakanda. This is your home. You love it here. Your family is here. And the rest of the world- it’s terrible Shuri. It’s nothing like here. It’s not peaceful, with everyone working together for the greater good. Out there, everyone’s trying to get the better of everyone else, and they’ll use whatever or whoever it takes to do it. Besides, being anywhere else would be like sitting you down in primary school and expecting you to pay attention. Your so brilliant Shuri. The rest of the world could never compare to the good you do here.”

And now Shuri felt the tears well because he was right of course. “But here I won’t have you.” she insisted.

“But you will. That’s why I had to do it. So that I can stay here, to guard you. To keep you safe.”

“And to keep 100 meters from me at all times. To not be allowed to talk to me, or touch me? How can you accept that?”

“Because some of you is better than none of you at all.”

Shuri actually let out something that might have been a laugh. Her fingers wove into his mane of hair. Trust him to be romantic at a time like this.

“I won’t be able to stay away from you.” she said, making one last argument.

“I’ll hate staying away from you.” He responded candidly. “But that’s a fight I’ll take care of. I’ll be sure to keep my distance.” He smiled then, trying to lift her spirits. “If it takes avoiding you to stay with you, I can handle it. And one day,” the hand covering hers gently pulled, entwining their fingers, “you’ll meet some nice Wakandan boy the Elders approve of, and you’ll fall in love with and marry him, and you’ll forget I’m even around.”

“Never!” Shuri pulled back, horrified. “I could never forget you. I could never love somebody whose not-” the 'you' was left unspoken. The unmistakable drum of the Dora Milaje approaching suddenly appeared from behind the door and their time was up. Shuri and Bucky both knew they were warning them, giving them a few last moments together. Shuri looked up at him, eyes shining and something else ready on her lips, but Bucky couldn’t risk their last moment together on more discussion. He quickly pulled Shuri too him, kissing her soundly. She returned it with equal ferocity, attempting to pour all her love and anguish and still mixed emotions into the kiss. 

When the telltale creek of the doors opening sounded, Bucky disappeared, moving away from her so suddenly he might have been a ghost. Shuri opened her eyes to find him two arms lengths away from her, eyes fixed on her. I love you Princess. He silently told her one last time, before releasing her hand. He was there one second, and being escorted out by the Dora Milaje the next, and all the while Shuri could just stand there looking after him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You didn't think that was the end did you? More to come I promise, but please leave comments, while the 4th chapter is done the 3rd is not and I need some inspiration!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky is in hell without Shuri. Shuri thinks the whole situation is ridiculous

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure what this chapter is other than a pile of crap, it goes around itself too much and is kinda pointless, but, angst. Next chapter will be up soon, keep those comments coming!

Bucky was in hell.

 

When he’d agreed to stay away from Shuri he’d been so blinded by his need to stay near her he’d forgotten the fact he was addicted to the feel of her. He’d accepted his new position in the King’s Guard easily enough, and was even fine with the border patrol taking him away from the palace, knowing he would always come back to her.

 

When he returned to the palace he’d seek her out, assuring himself of her continued safety. He’d find her most often in her lab, and sometimes just watch her be her genius self for a few peaceful moments. All her important advances or tricky successes were marked by bright smiles, little laughs, and once even an excited little dance she did by herself. Those were Bucky’s favorite moments to see.

 

But those moments couldn’t last, because more often than not Shuri realized he was there, and when she knew he was there the distance between them became unbearable for both of them. Bucky would leave, returning to his farmhouse feeling detached and alone. Sometimes he’d stay there until his next shift. Sometimes he’d join up with other guards for practice. Sometime he’d entertain the village children like he used to.

 

But sometimes . . .

 

Sometimes he’d return to Shuri and watch her like a shadow. Those were the moments he knew he was torturing himself the worst, because these were the moments he once joined her. Afternoon trips to the market, late night walks around the gardens; moments where no one thought anything of the princess and her bodyguard walking side by side.

 

At this particular moment, he wasn’t tailing her from behind; he was watching her from above. He and twenty or so other guards had been assigned to watch from a second floor balcony where they could keep an eye out the windows and see anything incoming, as well as watch the royal event happening down below, ready to leap down at any sign of trouble. Bucky’s eyes never left Shuri. She looked radiant.  

 

The many guests held her attention and kept her busy throughout the night. As both Wakanda’s princess and lead innovator, she had a duty to be social with many of them. Many of them were old friends, and some were strangers who wanted to know more about her work. She greeted each of them brightly and cordially spoke to each in turn. But as well tuned to her moods as Bucky was, he could see when the conversation strained her. He could see the moments when she got tired and needed a minute to herself, or when a joke or comment landed wrong. Since news of her ‘scandal’ had gotten out, Shuri had been on her best behavior, more for her mother’s sake than anyone else’s. That meant no biting remarks, no clever insults, no rolling her eyes. Just smiling and being a perfectly behaved princess until the annoyance passed.

 

A particularly long winded young man was making Shuri’s smile grow more and more forced, and Bucky was deliberating whether saving the princess from death by boredom was a feasible excuse for leaping to her aid, when his companion spoke.

 

“If you don’t stop staring at the princess like a dog being denied it’s bone, someone’s going to notice.” M’Kuta said from beside him. Bucky tore his gaze away to eye his friend warily.

 

M’Kuta was a palace guard like him. Originally from the Jabari tribe, he was 6 feet tall and built like a wall. For whatever reason, he’d taken a liking to Bucky, and the two worked almost every assignment together. Bucky enjoyed his company; he was quiet but effective. Despite knowing, like all of Wakanda, about his relationship with Shuri and being the one person in the country Bucky might have told about it, M’Kuta never pried.

 

Bucky huffed out a laugh. “No one notices the security M’Kuta. Didn’t you tell me that?”

 

M’Kuta’s eyebrow lifted cautiously. “They notice when their sister is involved with said security.” he said, and gave an almost imperceptible nod back down to the ballroom. Bucky followed the motion to see King T’Challa looking hard at him, brow furrowed in warning, having watched him watch Shuri. Bucky tensed but acknowledged the king with a bow of his head, before resuming his watch over the party, this time determinedly not focusing on Shuri and definitely not watching her. Except for from the corner of his eye.

 

M’Kuta shook his head once T’Challa looked away. “You are asking for trouble, White Wolf. However you may think this will end, I can guarantee it won’t be with you peacefully shadowing her for the rest of her life.”

 

“Yeah, well, still gotta try, don’t I?” Bucky asked. M’Kuta humphed but let the matter drop, pitying his friend when he eventually returned to watching the princess like a wistful, lovesick fool

 

\---

Shuri was in hell.

 

If she was allowed to just _talk_ to Bucky, to speak with him in the hall or send him a message or _anything_ that wouldn’t immediately be reported to her brother and result in Bucky’s deportation, she’d tell him what a crap job he was doing of staying away from her.

 

Sure, every time she searched him out in a room he’d disappear, and she was lucky if she saw a flash of hair or a glint of metal as he rounded a corner or disappeared into the shadows, intent on keeping his promise of staying away from her. But she could _feel_ him, sometimes so acutely she wondered if Bast had gifted her with a new intuition of knowing when he was watching her. So even when he thought himself far enough away to be unnoticeable, Shuri knew he was there; in those moments she missed him so much it hurt.

 

She’d tried on several occasions to get him alone. It wasn’t easy and she knew it was a risk, but she was the smartest person in Wakanda for Bast’s sake; she could find a way to see someone for a few minutes undetected if she wished. Sadly, her problem wasn’t not being able to see him undetected- it was his unwillingness to risk being caught breaking his promise.

 

At first she tried to seek him out, meaning to intercept him on his guard routes. His house was almost certainly under surveillance now, so this was the only place where she might be able to get him alone without anyone knowing. He had caught onto her though, and she found quickly he’d never be where she thought he would. When that failed, she tried to lure him towards her. When she felt the weight of his gaze she’d remove herself from the situation, taking off in whatever direction was least occupied. Sometimes she lost him immediately. Sometimes he’d follow her, until her intentions became clear and he’d pull back (sometimes when she did that she could hear him laugh quietly before he disappeared).

 

He had taken his duty to keep away from her seriously, and short of threatening to hurl herself over the falls (of course she never would, Bucky would never forgive for being so reckless), she could find no way to get him to come to her.

 

Which was unfortunate, because she _really_ wanted him to come to her.

 

Like right now. How was she supposed to concentrate on all these representatives and leaders and very important people when she knew he was somewhere on the balcony, watching over her? She hadn’t had a moment to herself to properly survey the area to find him, but she was sure he was there. What was he doing up there? If he’d been at her side, he’d be whispering in her ear whenever someone was being pretentious, or snorting quietly when people tried to talk to her about science they didn’t grasp, or noticing when a conversation went on too long for her comfort and stepping in to “inform her she was needed elsewhere”. That last service would be particularly useful right about now, since her companion wasn’t nearly as charming as he thought he was and Shuri was resisting the urge to walk off in the middle of his sentence.

 

She wondered what Bucky would think of that. He’d probably find it hilarious.

 

_This is ridiculous._ She thought to herself. She’d been a normal, functioning human being before. Now it felt like her every thought was on the ex-soldier. It was like by separating them T’Challa had ensured they were more dependent on each other than ever before. Bucky’s absence wasn’t just felt by him missing from her side, she’d gone plenty of times without him close by before. What she really missed was the quiet assurance that he would always be there when she needed him, that at the end of the day he was her Bucky and she was his Shuri and nothing could ever change that.

 

The thought stunned Shuri. Was that what she was afraid of? It felt almost petulant. After all, T’Challa had ordered them both to move on. Could it be she was afraid that Bucky, so determined to let her go, one day wouldn’t love her?

  
_No!_ She thought determinedly. There was no way in hell she’d let her mind go that way. Bucky loved her. He loved her so much he gave her up just to stay near her. That meant something and always would. It had to.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky comes in for a check-up and it's harder than they realize

Shuri was working on updates to her gauntlets when the laboratory doors slid open. At first she paid no mind, until she heard a veritable march of feet coming off the elevator. She turned, confused, and didn’t hide her shock at seeing Bucky escorted in by no less than four Dora Milaje. Thankfully, Ayo and Okoye weren’t with them, having accompanied T’Challa on his latest mission as the Black Panther. 

“What is this?” she asked; mind already racing to figure out what Bucky could have done to need such a guard. Had he broken a law? Had he . . . had he tried to see her?

“No need to worry, Princess.” Bucky said soothingly. “Just here for a check-up.” The Dora all glared at him, all being aware of the King’s order that Bucky not even speak to Shuri. Bucky raised his hands in apology at their glares. Despite his nonchalant attitude, he looked worse for wear. The hardness that Shuri had worked so hard to smooth away had returned, his stance was rigid and on alert. Shuri compared the soldier before her, surrounded by guards and standing like a stranger in her lab, to the man that just weeks earlier had laid in her bed and kissed her senseless, happy and at peace. The difference was striking.

“Of course.” Shuri said, remembering Bucky came in for check-ups every few weeks, to make sure his mind was still clear and his arm was working properly. His last one had been just before their separation. The Dora Milaje were surveying the lab, clearly looking for one of her assistants.

“I’m the only one here today.” she told them. They looked perturbed. Shuri stood up a little straighter, setting her gauntlets aside. “Not to worry.” she told them unnecessarily. “I’m perfectly capable of checking Sergeant Barnes’ health myself.”

“Your Highness, His Majesty was very clear that you were not-”

“His Majesty is not here, Nareema, and neither are my assistants. Now, it’s silly to send Sergeant Barnes away to come back another day when this can be completed now.” Shuri said in her most commanding tone. It worked- the guards made no more protests, though none looked comfortable. Not looking at him, Shuri addressed Bucky. “Sergeant Barnes, if you’d please see yourself to the examination room.” 

A hint of amusement in his eyes betrayed Bucky as he left his escort and walked across the lab, Shuri behind him and the Dora Milaje behind her. He entered the small room connected to the lab and took a seat on the table. Shuri joined him, but turned around to block Nareema from entering.

“Your Highness, your brother ordered us to accompany Sergeant Barnes today so-”

“You see that?” She pointed at the clear wall dividing the lab and examination room. “That is glass. I don’t need you in there crowding my space when you can chaperone us just fine from right here.” She stepped back and closed the door in the gaping guard’s face. 

Bucky chuckled softly. His back was facing the window. He remembered, and Shuri had conveniently forgotten to mention, that the room was soundproof. 

Shuri turned to him, bracing herself for what came next. She moved around the room for a few minutes, gathering what she needed. Bucky’s eyes never left her. 

Finally she returned to the table with a handful of wireless scanners. “Remove your shirt.” she said quietly. He did as he was told. She attached the scanners to his chest and back, activating them to do a full analysis of his vital signs. As soon as she did she thought she might have made a mistake. When her fingers brushed his bare skin, the spark between them was felt in full force. Bucky’s reaction was immediate; his face sank into an expression that was part agony and more relief, like he’d regained the ability to breathe. Like he’d felt no better pleasure than the split second she touched him. 

Shuri on the other hand, was in clear view of the stoic Dora and used every bit of her determination to keep her face expressionless. 

“If you wouldn’t mind-” she began to say, and Bucky reached for his left shoulder, twisting and detaching the arm she had made for him. He handed it over wordlessly, and Shuri allowed the scanners to work as she set the arm on a nearby table, which she activated to do a full systems check. Scans and analysis of the arm popped up. Everything looked normal. Her tablet beeped to let her know the scanners had done their job. The scanners were useful in that they could gather data not only about his current condition but also about how his body had functioned in the last few weeks. 

“Your blood press has been higher than normal.” She tried to keep her voice even, professional. “Have you been experiencing high levels of stress lately?”

“Nothing I can’t handle.” he told her.

“That’s not an appropriate response, Sergeant Ba-”

“Bucky” he cut her off. She turned to face him. He was looking right at her, still ignoring the Dora’s glares. “Please Shuri. You know my name.”

“You’re the one who told me to keep my distance.” she replied.

“And you’re doing a great job.” Bucky lauded her. “But I told you to call me Bucky before we were together. That at least can extend to after.”

That hurt for Bucky to say, because he in truth didn’t see this as the after. The now and forevermore maybe, but he never saw his relationship with Shuri as having ended. Just changed into something painful but necessary.

“Bucky,” Shuri relented. “You’re showing signs of stress and exhaustion. Scans show you could be eating a little more and working a little less.” She walked over to him and took a seat on a stool, angled and low enough so she could face him without being obvious to the Dora Milaje. “Have you been keeping up with the meditation exercises I gave you?”

“Every morning, just as the doctor ordered.” He replied.

“Are you pushing yourself too hard on the farm or at work? You may have been cleared but you still need to take care of your body-”

“I’m working hard Shuri, that’s all. Keeps my head clear. Keeps my hands busy.” Bucky insisted. But Shuri couldn’t ignore his tired eyes or the bioscan in front of her.

“Are you sleeping?” she asked quietly.

Bucky didn’t answer immediately. Shuri’s tone had lost some of its professionalism, and for that he was secretly grateful. He couldn’t stand to see his princess stand on formality, a thing she hated. 

“Are you?” he finally offered as a response. As soon as he said it her eyes flicked up to him from the screen. He regretted it instantly. The look in her eyes was clear. She had probably slept as much as he had, lying awake at night to keep from reaching in sleep for someone who wasn’t there.

“As much am I’m able.” he amended. It took a moment but that seemed to placate Shuri. She made a few notes on her tablet.

“Just one more test.” She told him. She flicked her screen so a series of words came up. “Are you ready?”

Bucky grimaced. Shuri had declared he was free of the Winter Soldier programming months ago. Nonetheless, both Bucky and T’Challa agreed it was best to continuously test the code words and make sure there was no response. Shuri had been the only one to protest the idea, certain her work had been successful. She was right of course, but the two men erred on the side of caution.

“Longing. Rusted. Seventeen. Daybreak.” Shuri read out. “Furnace. Nine.” Her eyes flicked up to watch him for any signs of distress. “Benign. Homecoming. One. Freight Car.” His face remained blank. “Bucky?”

He nodded. “I’m fine, Princess. You’ve taken good care of me.”

“If I was taking care of you, you wouldn’t look like you hadn’t slept in a week.” Shuri said without thinking. She caught herself too late. “I didn’t mean to-” 

“Shuri” he said gently.

She was shaking her head and attempted to walk away. “I shouldn’t have-”

He grabbed her elbow and held her in place. Shuri stared at him, too surprised to revel into his touch. Almost immediately someone pounded on the glass. Shuri had almost forgotten about their watchers. 

Bucky ignored them. “This isn’t your fault. You fixed me. You gave me back the life HYDRA stole. But you’re not responsible for everything that happens.”

“Aren’t I?” she responded. “You were fine. You were completely healthy and happy and whole and now I look at you and it’s like not all of you is even there.” The words lashed out of her. She meant to be sad, but as she spoke Shuri found she’d had enough sadness. She was angry- angry with T’Challa, and the Elders, and the Dora, and even Bucky. 

“That’s not your fault.” He let go, only to appease whoever was pounding on the glass.

“No, it’s the fault of my brother and the Elders and every other ignorant idiot who doesn’t want me to be with you because you weren’t born within Wakanda’s borders but I can’t do anything about that, can I?” She turned on him, throwing the words in his face. 

“They just want what’s best for you.” He said. His words were deceptively level. Good. Shuri wanted his temper to rise to match her own. 

“No they want what’s best for Wakanda and for the royal reputation. You were the only one willing to make a sacrifice for what you thought was best for me, except you were wrong! Because if you wanted what was best you’d never stay away.” Her tone was accusing.

“How can we be together when staying away is the only way for me to keep you safe?” He insisted, finally getting angry. He was tired of having to tell her that. She was tired of having to hear it. 

“How can I stay away when being together is the only way for ME to keep YOU safe?” she yelled back at him. 

Bucky opened his mouth to retort but nothing came out. He had no response. He shook his head instead. “I can’t do this. Not here, not now, not with them.” He jerked his head at the death-glaring Dora Milaje. He stepped around Shuri and headed over to grab his arm. Shuri stood staring at the spot he’d just occupied.

“Don’t you dare walk away from me.” She practically growled out the words. She heard the hiss of Bucky reattaching his arm. 

“Sorry, princess.” He replied. “But your orders don’t overrule the king’s.” Something like sadness flashed across his eyes, but his tone was one she’d never heard before except in old footage. It was a tone reserved for the Winter Soldier. Without another word, he left. 

Shuri’s disbelief held her still for another second. When she looked up and back into the lab, Nareema, Teela, T’Yana, and Xoliswa were all still there, unsure what to do. Shuri couldn’t believe T’Challa had sent the lot of them to insure Bucky didn’t break his promise. She walked out of the room.

“You’re all dismissed.” she said curtly. “And if any of you tell my brother anything besides I performed the examination and found everything normal, I will make your lives a living nightmare.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking there will only be 1 or 2 more chapters in this thing but they aren't written at all so please COMMENT and MOTIVATE ME
> 
> On a side note, please don't comment with your ideas or suggestions for how the story should go, this is my work and originally Leodicaprih0e's idea, so if you want to explore something you are more than free to write your own version if it. I know it's with the best of intentions but it's also distracting and limits me creatively. Sorry, please still comment!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky deals with his loss in a sad way

Bucky was drinking. He hadn't had alcohol since his Army days, when he and Steve would toast their victories with the rest of the Howling Commandos, always trying to keep up with Steve’s incredible super-soldier metabolism; but now he drank. He did it to relax without the comforting hum Shuri had made when she was in bed but still working away on her tablet. He did it to make himself warm without her body next to his. He did it to dull the pain. 

He tried other things of course. Sometime he worked himself to the point of exhaustion. He meditated. His calls with Steve, Sam, and Natasha became more frequent, though contact was still limited thanks to them still being on the run. He knew they could tell something was wrong, though he didn’t know how to explain even to his best buddy what was happening. He hadn’t meant to keep the affair secret from Steve- but keeping it a one kept it as just his and Shuri’s. He had liked keeping her and them to himself too much; no prying eyes or prodding questions. Just him and his princess.

Heroes that they were, they were calling more often to check in, chat, give him updates. He hated that they were risking their safety for his safe. Worse, he hated that everytime they called he considered asking them to come get him. 

Bucky wasn’t broken. Bucky was not an easily broken man. It had taken HYDRA a near-death experience and then years of torture and brainwashing to do that. But he was starting to be defeated. With Shuri in his life, he had a duty- protect the royal family. He had freedom to come and go as he pleased, he had friends and comrades he could spend time with. He loved working on his farm and learning Wakandan from the locals. He had a love but he also had a life.

Now where trust had been replaced with suspicion. Gossip filled the places that had once been hospitable to him. The people who had once taken him in glared, enraged with the idea a colonizer had corrupted their precious princess. Friends were fewer and none of the Dora wanted to risk association with him. Bucky had to accept the truth- he’d avoided being banished, but he’d still been cast out. 

His own words came back to him.  _ I will sacrifice being with her, if it means protecting her.  _ Bucky Barnes was a lot of things, but he wasn’t a liar. He had meant every word about needing to keep her safe. But  he was realizing she didn’t need him to. And that left him unsure where he stood. 

Her words rang in his head.  _ “The only way I can protect you”.  _ He’d said those words so many times; often in his head to remind himself what this distance was sacrificed for. Coming from Shuri, they had startled him. He’d always seen it as his job to protect her and her job to- what? Sit around and stay safe? That wasn’t Shuri. Hell, it wasn’t fair to Shuri. It was disrespectful of all she’d done for her country and for him and he knew that. He’d known she was a princess but never seen her as a damsel. So what was it bothering him?

It was the pain in her eyes when she saw what he’d become. It was knowing that his distance was hurting her. It was the idea that his beautiful princess had set her mind on achieving something (keeping him himself) and he was forcing her to fail by becoming a shadow of the man he’d been with her.

_ James _

His eyes lifted towards the bed. Was he hallucinating? More likely he'd just drank himself into a stupor and was dreaming. There was Shuri, tangled in his sheets, propped up on her arm, looking past at the window.

_ Come back to bed,  _ she had said. There he was-dream him at least- walking over to her, bending down to kiss her, purposefully reaching his arm around to grab a sensitive spot on the small of her back so she fell down quivering back in the bed. Bucky recognized the memory from a few months prior. 

_ In a moment Princess,  _ he had returned to his task of looking out the window.  _ I heard something _ .

Shuri had groaned.  _ There's no one there Ingcuka. Come keep me warm. _

_ I’d rather keep you safe _ . No, that wasn’t what he’d said to say. That was the dream. In the real memory he’d looked back to find Shuri smiling sleepily.

_ Mmm, I’m safe in your arms.  _ She said, but that wasn't what she'd said either. In the real memory her insistence no one was there and inviting smile had convinced him to return to bed and hold her tightly and get wrapped up in his sheets and her scent.

A gust of wind against the door broke Bucky from his stupor. He realized Shuri wasn’t there. Disappointed, he grabbed his drink and stumbled over to the bed, hoping to bring back the memories of her there with him.

* * *

Bucky approached T’Challa alone. It was late in the day; the sun was just getting ready to set on the Wakanda horizon. T’Challa was apart from his family and fiance, enjoying some quiet time on the balcony and watching the sun set.

“What can I do for you, White Wolf?” he said without turning around. 

“Just give me a moment of your time.” Bucky requested. Turning to face him, T’Challa nodded and motioned for Bucky to take the set next to him.

"Tea?” he offered. Bucky shook his head no.

For a moment the two men sat in a silence that could almost be friendly.

“You really do have the best sunsets here.” Bucky finally said.

“Yes.” T’Challa agreed. “There are none like them in the world.”

“I’ll miss them.”

A pause. “Are you going somewhere?”

Bucky sighed, and leaned back a little in his chair.  “You win.” he said without looking at the king.

“I don’t know what you mean.” T’Challa gave a slight shake of his head. 

“I mean, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t stay and make her feel guilty watching me be miserable without her. And if I can’t be with her, I’d rather be out there helping Steve. Doing something useful. Good.”

“I see.” T’Challa said. “What of your recovery? Your rest?”

Bucky shrugged. “I like it here. I like the peace. But I can’t have that when everyone just sees me as the colonizer who tried to defile their princess.”

T’Challa gave a slow nod. “I understand.”

“Captain America and his crew will be here in a few days to pick me up. I’ll be resigning from the King’s Guard. The villagers can take over my farm and do with it as they choose.”

“What about Shuri?”

Another long moment of heavy silence. Finally, “You may never agree with me, but I don’t believe I’m bad for Shuri. I love her with everything I’ve got. But every time she looks at me all she sees is a problem she can’t fix, and I can’t stand to cause her pain. So in that way, yes, I’m hurting her and so I’m doing what I have to to stop it.”

“She will not be pleased with your decision. You said you couldn’t live without being able to see her.”

“I did and I meant it. But I can’t live like this either. She’ll understand. One day. I hope you’ll grant me the chance to say goodbye. If not, I hope you tell her that everything I did, I did for her.”

T’Challa and Bucky both rose. Bucky gave the traditional Wakandan bow, which T’Challa returned. Then, surprisingly, T’Challa stuck out his hand. Bucky looked from it to him appraisingly, but grasped and shook it eventually.

“For what it’s worth, Sergeant Barnes, I believe you are doing the right thing.”   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Has anyone seen or heard from malaiikka? Girl deactivated her tumblr and I want to make sure she's okay.
> 
> Also so yeah, I know I haven't updated in a while and this chapters kind of not my best but I've been SOOO busy this semester and so, sooooo uninspired about anything. I saw Endgame and all I could muster was relief that it was over (okay not really but like, I can chill). I'm just not into any of my old passions lately and while that's really frustrating at times I don't really know what to do about it. But in the end writing this sparked some inspiration, so hopefully I'll get that one up a little quicker. (No promises, I'm abroad in Scotland for the next two weeks so like, my schedule is booked). 
> 
> Thank you to everyone whose commented or kudosed or subscribed to this work. You really mean a lot to me and I hate not being able to repay that as much as you deserve.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky and Shuri say goodbye

It was night and it was raining as the cliche of all cliches, as Bucky packed on his final night in Wakanda. He left most of the things in his house- they hadn’t really been his to begin with. A small duffel of personal belongings; some clothes, gifts from the village children; mementos he’d bought himself, etc, was all he really needed for when Steve and the Quinjet arrived the next day.

Shuri hadn’t come to say goodbye, and he hadn’t been granted permission to see her. So he had to assume either T’Challa had not lifted his ban on them seeing each other, or else she was too angry at him to say goodbye. He couldn’t blame her either way. He’d considered writing her a note- leaving it with M’Kuta or one of the village children to deliver to her after he was gone- but he couldn’t find a way to set the words down. 

_ BANG.  _ The door crashed open and the storm rolled in in the form of rain, wind and a pissed off Wakandan princess. For a moment the two just looked at each other, Bucky in shock and Shuri in fury. She stood in the doorway, clothes and braids dripping wet. “How could you not tell me?” she said so quietly he couldn’t hear her.

“Shuri”, he started but was denied.

“How could you not tell me!” she yelled angrily. Looking closely he realized tears joined the water streaming down her face. She threw the door shut behind her and the silence from the sudden absence of the storm descended upon them. 

She stepped closer to him but did not cross the room to him. “Were you just going to leave and never say goodbye?” she demanded. “How could you not tell me you were leaving? How could you just  _ leave _ ?”

She was here. That realization hit Bucky right in the gut. She was here, in his house, alone, no guard or escort in sight. For the first time in weeks he was close enough to touch her, and he was  _ able  _ to touch her…

“Say something, for Bast’s sake!” she demanded. He doesn’t know what to say.

“I wanted to tell you.” he decides on. “I wanted to say goodbye.”

Shuri shook her head in confusion. “No, no, why is this goodbye? Why are you leaving? What happened?” Always asking questions trying to get to an answer.

“I can’t stay Shuri. Not anymore. You don’t know what it’s doing to me-”

“I know perfectly well what it’s doing to you because it’s doing it to me too!” She argued.

“I know that, listen to me Princess, I know” he stepped towards her, hands reaching without really meaning to. 

“You don’t know! You don’t know what it’s like watching the person you love become a shadow. You don’t know how much it’s killing me.” She took another step towards him as well as she argued.

“That’s what I don’t want! I know it’s hurting you to see me like this so I don’t want you to see me like this!” he insisted. Shuri stared at him, confused.

“So you think what? We shouldn’t see each other at all? That’s better to you?” She shook her head at her own word and Bucky ran a hand across his face in frustration. 

“I don’t know, Shuri. Dammit it. Yes. Yeah I guess so. At least this way we aren’t hurting each other.”

Shuri took another step, anger rolling up to replace her confusion. “What about needing to see me? What about keeping me safe? Did you not mean those words? Do they just not matter to you? Because  _ I _ do need to see you Bucky. I need to know you’re safe or I’ll go insane. 

“Of course I meant them!” He answered, finally closing the distance between him and her. They were standing close enough to hug, but all he reached for was her hand. He rolled his fingers over it, tracing the back and drawing circles on her palm. For a minute he delighted in the sheer feel of her skin beneath his own. “But I was wrong Shuri. I can’t do this. I can’t watch you from afar and never be able to speak to you, or touch you, or kiss you. It’s killing me.”

Shuri for her part was fixed on his face, trying to find every emotion there. He avoided her gaze by keeping his eyes firmly on their entwined hands. “But you swore-”

“Dammit Shuri, I know!” he finally shouted. It was comforting actually, to see him reach the same level as her. “But I’m not who you think I am, I’m not a good man, I can’t keep my promises. Don’t ask me to do this-”

Her other hand flew up to cup his face and his eyes flew to hers, immediately cutting off his outburst.

“I know. I know how it feels. Please, James. I’d rather have both this pain and you than neither. It’s all of you that’s still mine.” Tears returning, she pulled his head down so their foreheads were pressed against each other. They both felt as Bucky’s own frustrated tears joined hers. “I can’t ask you to stay. I can’t be that selfish. But I need to know you’ll be alright. I need something to hold onto.”

Bucky’s hands had dropped hers and were weaving their way around her, pulling her close. “I keep telling myself you’ll be okay.” He murmured in her ear. “Because Wakanda is safe, and the Dora Milaje will keep you safe. And because the biggest threat to you hasn’t been something I could guard you from. It’s been me, and how I make you feel, and once I’m gone then you’ll be safe.” Shuri was shaking her head, back and forth.

“Don’t.” She ordered. “Don’t ever think you hurt me.”

“Don’t ever think you failed me.” He replied. He pulled away; meaning to get one last look at her; meaning to let her go. He got halfway there; he stopped when he took a moment to look into Shuri’s eyes. There was so much bubbling there. Anger, sadness, fear, loneliness, hope, desperation, love.

“Shuri” he began to say, but know sooner had he said it than Shuri pushed herself up and kissed him fiercely. Melting into the kiss his grip tightened until there was no space between the two. Shuri’s fingers knotted in his hair. Bucky held her close, wrapping his arms around the small of her back and her shoulders.  

Neither were sure how long they’d stayed in that position. Bucky broke the kiss first, dropping his arm lower to hoist her up. Shuri wrapped her legs around his waist, pulled his hair from its knot and forced him to look up at her. He brought hip lips to press firm, biting kisses against her collarbone while she ran her fingers through his hair. With his arms still firmly around her, she tilted back, leading him forward until his knees hit the bed.

“Shuri-” he pulled back to protest but Shuri’s grip tightened like a viper’s.

“I want this Bucky.” she told him. “Give me this, please. Give me one last part of you to hold onto.”

It was a request from his lover, not an order from his princess. Yet Bucky still found himself powerless to resist. 

He lowered her not quite gently to the bed, straightening to rid himself of his shirt, leaning forward as she rose on her knees to meet her in another kiss, all the while working the zipper down the back of her dress. He pulled the material off Shuri’s shoulders; she had no problem pushing the rest of it off and pulling Bucky on top of her as she lied down on the bed. As he climbed over her, drinking in the sight of her near naked body, reveling in the feel of her soft curves and silky smooth skin under his hands, he couldn’t believe the goddess lying under him; couldn’t believe she wanted him. He reached her eyes- she was gazing at him intently.

“I love you, my princess” he said. “I love you, my moon. I love you, Shuri”.

Reaching behind his neck, Shuri pulled him closer to kiss her again. “I love you,  _ Ingcuka _ ” she replied softly. “I love you, my White Wolf. I love you, James Buchanan Barnes. I love you, Bucky”.

* * *

 

The next morning, Bucky awoke in a tangle of sheets and wrapped around Shuri. Shuri was soundly asleep, content in his arms. He was sorry to unwind his arms from her frame. He was sorry to pull away from her body heat. He was sorry to slip from the bed, picking up his discarded clothes while hers lay strewn around the room. Dressing quickly and locating his bag, he came back to Shuri to press a soft kiss on her forehead. “Goodbye, princess”. He whispered. Shuri didn’t stir. He was glad for it- it made it easier to walk away. He stopped in the doorway for one last forlorn look at his simple home and his sleeping lover. Then, resolutely, he took his bag and walked out to the field to meet the Avengers quinjet. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys. Guys. I cannot write sex. This small attempt took so much out of me. I just don't think it's ever gonna happen. But yay I uploaded faster this time so good for me! Thanks to everyone who kudos and comments, they mean so much to me. Hope you enjoyed! 
> 
> Oh, and of course this isn't an end. I'm an angst whore, not an angst sadist.


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